


Dick Swap Swip-Swap

by goresmores



Series: Polyamorous Lion Pile Series [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anal Fingering, Angst, Anorexia, Asexual Hunk, Bodyswap, Eating Disorders, Fluff, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Prostate Massage, Spooning, more fucking MEMES, more shidge for your dollar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-07-18 19:45:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7327993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goresmores/pseuds/goresmores
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Note to Lance: Don't fucking push people on alien spaceships because if anything can go wrong, it more than likely will. -Keith</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Your Dick Is My Dick and His Dick Is Your Dick

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote a fucking bodyswap fic. i wr o t e a f cu k ing bo d y s w ap f i c 
> 
> gotta love science fiction, i guess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alien space ships are bad news when you know jack shit about their technology and our beloved paladins find this out the hard way (spoiler alert: it's lance's fault)

“The distress signal is coming from down there!” 

Keith squinted, “Yeah but it’s blocked by trees.” 

Shiro spoke up next, “Then I guess we’re going to have to land and check it out by foot.” 

“I really hope this isn’t a bad idea,” Hunk said, anxiety obvious in his voice. 

“Hunk you sound like Arnold from The Magic School Bus.” Pidge mimicked the famous line in the character’s voice, ‘I knew I should have stayed home today’.” Pidge was only teasing him, though, going to set his lion down on the surface of the planet below. Hunk had anxiety, and it wasn't his fault.

Lance laughed, “Yeah but at least Hunk doesn’t _look_ like Arnold.”

“You wanna land and say that to my face, Lance?” 

Now Lance’s laugh was nervous, “Haha, nope. Not at all.” For someone so tiny, Pidge could be terrifying when he wanted to be, and Lance was not looking forward to that wrath. He might reprogram something to punch Lance in the face- you never knew with Pidge. 

Okay, he doubted Pidge would actually do that but he _did_ hit hard. 

Lance was the last one to land and when he finally got out, Pidge punched him on the arm. 

“OUCH-- You hit way too hard!” But Pidge didn’t grace him with a response, instead opting to follow the rest of the team forward towards the distress signal. 

Shiro pushed a number of tree limbs and bushy branches out of the way down the path, and to avoid getting hit by Pidge again, Lance found his way in front of the smaller adult and nearer to Keith. 

Lance was taking in his surrounding, the lack of birds, for instance. The fact that some if not most of these plants were _not_ green, and that the dirt was more of a yellow color than anything else. Unluckily for him, that meant he wasn’t paying attention to what was going on in front of him and he got thwacked by a branch when Keith let it go. 

“Hey!” 

“What?” 

“You did that on purpose!” 

Keith gave him a look. That look that said ‘What are you talking about, idiot?’ 

“Did _what_ on purpose, Lance?” 

“You hit me with the branch!” 

Keith rolled his eyes. “I didn’t hit you with the branch. You let yourself get hit with the branch by not paying attention. You know the path is overgrown and you’re still acting stupid.” 

Lance was offended. “I’m not acting stupid! Unlike _some people_ I’m looking around and making sure this isn’t another trick! Remember what happened the last time we stopped for a distress signal?” 

“How could I forget? You got yourself handcuffed to a tree. All for some stupid alien girl.” 

“Yeah, a _hot_ alien girl. And besides, I wasn’t dating literally, like, all of you back then.” 

Shiro called to them from the front, “Lance, Keith, cut it out. We’re almost to the ship and we need to be on guard.” 

The bickering boyfriends exchanged a look before returning to the mission at hand. 

Sure enough, the ship wasn’t too far ahead, and from the look of it, it’d been there for a _long_ time. 

“I’m not expert at judging time but it looks like this ship hasn’t been touched in like, a thousand years.” 

Pidge eyed the ship. “Judging by the rusting I wouldn’t say a thousand years, but sure, Lance.”

Shiro walked up to it and touched the door. “Someone cut the vines off of the door. They must have been inside to send the signal. Come on, bayards out, we’re going in.” 

The team got their weapons at the ready and Shiro started a silent countdown on his fingers. 3, 2, he nodded and opened the door. 

Keith led the group inside, checking to make sure they weren’t going to be ambushed upon entry and gave the all clear signal. 

The inside of the ship didn’t look much better than the outside, that was for sure. 

The control panels had weeds and fungi growing from them and there were bits of metal and plastic all over the place. Scorch marks covered the walls, as if shot by a blaster of some sort. It looked like quite the battle was fought inside here. 

“Isn’t a little too empty for a ship that was sending out a distress signal?” Keith asked, looking around at the wreck. 

“You’re right. I don’t like this. Lance, I need you and Hunk to go back to the ships and keep watch. I want to keep looking around but I don’t want to risk that one of Zarkon’s henchman come around and try to take the lions.” 

Lance whined, “But I want to stay and look around too!” 

Keith huffed, “Forget it, I’ll go with him.” 

“Nevermind! I’m going with Hunk! You stay here, Keith!” 

“What?! No! You just said you didn’t want to go!” 

“Yeah well I changed my mind! Just shut up and stay here, _Keith_.” Lance gave him a shove and Keith fell backwards, right into Hunk who in turn fell backwards onto one of the overgrown control panels. 

The last thing anything heard was a charging sound, and then felt a body-wracking charge rush through them. 

Then everything was dark. 

 

Shiro groaned and sat up, eyes closed because his head hurt like hell. “Ugh… why does my chest feel like I’m 12 feet underwater?” 

But the answer Shiro got came back to him in his own voice. “That would be a binder.”  
Shiro opened his eyes. 

“Wait- what?!” 

Shiro saw himself wave to him. “It’s Pidge here. That’s the compression weight of the binder. Welcome to the land of Trans Tiddy Struggle. Population: you. Well, I guess I still count since that’s _my_ body you’re in, but well… I don’t have boobs anymore, unless you count these.” Pidge gestured to Shiro’s spectacular bara tiddies. 

“So we swapped bodies?” 

“If you’re Shiro, then it looks like it! I asked Hunk what happened and he says he doesn’t know exactly but he thinks it might have something to do with the button that his hand fell on when he tried to catch himself.” 

Hunk and Keith were still out cold, or at least, their bodies were. Hunk was in Lance’s body and he was looking anxious. 

Shiro got to his feet, but he was a little disconcerted. He wasn’t used to being so short, and from seeing things from so far down below. “How’s the view from up there, short stuff?” 

“Oh, it’s nice and high.” Pidge gave a sly smile, which felt weird when Shiro was seeing his own face do it.

Onto more pressing matters, “Hey, Hunk, buddy. Don’t worry about it, okay? It’s not your fault.” 

Hunk fiddled with his hands even more. “Uh, it kind of is. I pushed _the button_ , Shiro.” 

“No it’s not, okay? Whichever one of these two who are stilled knocked out is Lance, it’s his fault and we’re going to have a long talk and serious conduct when on missions.” 

Hunk still looked as anxious as before but he nodded. 

Shiro put his hands on his hips. 

Boy this was weird. He didn’t think he was going to get used to this. But, well, maybe he didn’t have to. “Did you guys try fixing this yet?” 

“That’s what I’ve been working on since Hunk and I woke up, but the problem is, Hunk doesn’t know what button he pushed and I don’t want to touch anything right now. I don’t know what any of these do, and if they have a button like this just lying around there could be worse threats to us on that panel. Something more than just a body-swap button, that is.” 

“Hm. I see your dilemma. Do you think you’ll be able to fix this at all?” 

“I can try but… well, no guarantees. We might have to ask Allura or Coran for help. They might know something about this.”

Shiro nodded in agreement. “Good idea. Let’s get these two up and get back to the ship. We’ll have to explain that we need to stick around until this is resolved.” 

Shiro went over to the two passed out bodies on the floor, giving them a rough shake. 

“Hey, come on you guys, wake up.” 

Keith gave out a very Lance-like whine upon being woken up. 

“Ugh… what happened? I feel like I’m stuffed full of cotton.”

“Do you know who you are?” 

Keith gave him a weird look. “Uh, I’m Lance, duh. Can’t you tell by my dashingly good looks?” 

Shiro (Pidge) gave him a once-over. “Hm… Love what you did with the hair.” 

“What are you talking about?” 

Pidge looked around and grabbed a piece of broken metal. He dusted it and handed it to Keith (Lance). 

Lance looked at his reflection and flipped out immediately. The metal clashed to the floor as he jumped up. “Nonononono, okay? NO. He may be able to make this mullet shit work, but I don’t want this thing on my head. I’m gonna cut it off, someone find something sharp, I think I’m gonna be sick!” 

Shiro cleared his throat, but it didn’t have quite the same effect when it came from Pidge’s body. 

“Lance, no. You’re not cutting Keith’s hair, okay? You won’t be doing anything to anybody’s body without their consent, is that clear?” 

Hunk’s body (Keith) picked itself up off the floor, albeit awkwardly. 

“Wow… I feel like I just ate seven helpings of ship goo…” 

Hunk gave a nervous laugh from behind. “Yeah, I… I do that sometimes… I eat when I’m nervous.” 

Pidge gave Hunk a pat on the back, but it was a little too strong and he ended up basically shoving Hunk onto the floor face first. 

“Shit! Hunk, I’m so sorry! I don’t know my own strength in this body! And it doesn’t help that you have Lance’s little noodle build.” 

“Hey! I take offense to that!” 

“Reminder that we wouldn’t be in this mess if it weren’t for you.” 

Lance winced. “R-right, sorry.” 

Shiro spoke up now. “That’s right! Lance, when we get back to the ship, we’re going to have a talk about how inappropriate your conduct on this mission was. After we report the situation to Coran and Allura, you’re sitting down with me and you’re going to listen.” 

“Yes sir, sorry.” 

Pidge felt kind of bad for him, actually. But he shouldn’t, not really. “Okay, well, we should uh… get back to the ship now.” 

Pidge helped Hunk off the ground and lead the group through the overgrown path. 

From behind he could hear frustrated noises, and they sounded like Hunk. “Keith, are you okay? You’re making really weird noises.” 

“No! I want to cut down all these shitty branches and bushes! They keep scratching me and it _hurts_! But I can’t get my bayard to work!” 

Pidge made a thoughtful “Hm…” sound. Weird. “Huh, I don’t know. But we’re almost to the lions so it won’t be too much more.” 

When they made it to the clearing where they parked the lions, Lance rushed out ahead of the group and made a beeline for the red lion. 

Shiro called out to him. “Lance, where do you think you’re going?” 

He made a dramatic gesture towards the ship, “Uh, the red lion? Duh.” 

“Lance you’re still you. You have to pilot the blue lion.” 

“Aw, what?! Really?” 

“‘Fraid so, buddy.” 

Hunched over, Lance made his way to the blue lion. 

Keith yelled as soon as he saw him. “Don’t do that with my body! You’re gonna fuck up my posture!” 

“Oh, what, you mean _thiiis?_ ” Lance replied, hunching over further and running like an idiot to his ship. 

Keith clenched his hand into a fist and started towards him, “I’m gonna kill him!” 

Pidge held out an arm to stop him. “Don’t. It’s not worth it. Just get to your lion and we’ll get this fixed. ...Maybe then you can kill him.” 

Without further dialogue, they got to their lions and flew to the castle ship. 

Once inside, they found Allura and told her the situation. 

Coran reacted first, “Oh. I didn’t expect this. You see, the ship you found belongs to an old race of war-like peoples called the Ramonians. The technology you came across was something of a myth for a long time because the story behind the Ramonians is that they used body-swap technology to confuse enemies when they fought them again because when they expected the Ramonian to fight the same as before, they didn’t, because someone else’s mind was inside the body. It was only confirmed as fact some eleven years before the fight with Zarkon’s forces that left me here for ten-thousand years. I can’t say I know what’s become of the Ramonians now, but my guess is that they’re doing just fine.” 

They all listened to the story, but Lance was the one who asked what they were all thinking. “Okay but… can you fix us?” 

“I can, but it might take me a day or two.” 

Lance, Keith and Hunk groaned. 

Shiro and Pidge though, only nodded and said that would be okay. 

“Hunk, would you like to come with me and try to fix the ship?” Coran asked, almost leaving for his tools but stopping in the doorway. 

“Oh, uh, sure.” Hunk scuttled over and followed Coran out the door.

“Well, Paladins. You have downtime until we get this resolved. I’m going to do some research so if you need me, you know where to find me.” 

Allura walked away and Keith ran for the door, following Hunk and Coran without a word. Lance followed after a moment of hesitation.


	2. Consent is Sexy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pidge and Shiro give Pidge's new dick a go and things don't turn out quite how they might have been hoping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter features pidge and shiro! i havent written it yet, but the next one will be about keith and lance! so if thats your cup of tea, look forward to it! 
> 
> also, reminder that this work is part of a series and if you havent read the first story, theres probably going to be inside jokes that you wont understand because all of these fics tie into the same universe! with that said, enjoy the chapter!

“Shouldn’t you go after Lance?” 

Shiro sighed. “I could, but honestly I’m too tired right now.” 

“Is that a very Shiro thing to say?” 

Shiro shrugged. “I’m Shiro and I’m saying it.” 

“Good point.” 

They stood there for a moment, not really knowing what to say. 

Pidge decided to give what he had to say a shot. “Okay, Shiro… this might sound weird but… I really want to masturbate.” 

“Uhm…” 

“Just hear me out, okay? Like, I have a dick now, y’know? Do you know how long I’ve wanted a dick? And I don’t think I’m really gonna have a chance like this ever again… we’re not Ramonians. We don’t switch bodies, and I’ll admit, it’s weird, but I want to be able to take advantage of a strange, if not inconvenient, situation.”

Pidge saw his own face give off a soft expression, and he knew what it meant. 

“You have my permission to masturbate-” 

“Thank you, thank you! Holy shit this is gonna be awesome!” 

“- Under the condition that I get to help you.” 

Pidge’s face immediately got hot. 

“O-oh. I, well, uh…” 

“I don’t want to sound like a... fuckboy? I guess? Or _something_ here, but there’s an art to it, if you will. I want you to enjoy it while you can, Pidge.” 

Pidge was touched. A little offended that Shiro probably didn’t trust him with his dick, but touched. 

“Okay. Thank you.” Pidge extended a hand, which Shiro took with his smaller one, and they went down the hallway together. 

Pidge’s heart was beating fast. He had to admit: he was nervous. This was only going to be his second time doing sexy shit and now he was doing it with _Shiro_ and with a _dick_. Shiro’s dick, but a dick that Pidge was in control of, and that was enough for him. 

“Further down the hall.” Shiro instructed. 

“ _Oh_ , we’re going to _your_ room.” 

“Well, yeah. I have... stuff in there.” 

Pidge snickered. “‘Stuff’.”

Shiro shook his head, smiling, as he opened the door. 

Pidge crossed through the threshold and turned around to face him. 

“I’m _really_ small.” 

Shiro closed the door and gave Pidge a questioning look. 

“Like, I mean, I knew I was short, but I didn’t know how short other people thought I was. You’re very small and I want to pick you up.” 

Shiro laughed. It was a fairly reserved laugh, and it came from Pidge but knowing it was Shiro making the laugh was enough to get Pidge’s heart beating. 

“You can pick me up.” 

Pidge made a noise akin to an excited “Aaahhh!” A squee, maybe? But not high-pitched. 

Pidge picked him up by the armpits and lifted him up until they were face to face. 

“Eheh, this is awkward, isn’t it?” 

“A little bit, yeah. Not gonna lie.” 

Pidge used his elbow and swooped under Shiro’s legs to get him in a bridal style sort of hold. 

“Oh my god.” 

“What?” 

“It’s like holding a puppy, almost. Tiny and warm.” 

Shiro let out a breathy chuckle. “You’re talking about yourself.” 

“Pfft, well, yeah. But it’s you, Shiro. And you’re so tinyyyy!” Pidge drew out the word ‘tiny’ and Shiro took on a pouty sort of look. “Oh my gosh, you’re too cute! Like, you don’t even realize it, I bet, but you have a pouty face on!” 

“What? No I don’t! I’m not pouting, you’re just…” 

“Admit it, you feel pouty because you went from being the big space dad to being a tiny little gremlin with awkward space dad qualities.” 

Shiro squirmed, “I’m not just going to be held here and take this. Let me down.” 

“Noooope. Because you have to look at the time first.” 

“The time?” 

“Yep! It’s smooch o’clock and the smooch train is coming into the smooch station. Chugga chugga smooch smooch!” This was followed by a series of “chugga”s that got progressively slower before a small “screeee” sound and then a small kiss being planted on Shiro’s lips. 

Shiro moved to put his arms around Pidge’s neck. “You’re a dork.” 

Pidge smiled, “Yeah, I know.” 

They kissed again, slow and passionate. 

When they pulled apart, Shiro remarked, “Wow. I… have really soft lips?” 

“You do.” Pidge kissed him one last time before he set Shiro down. 

Heading over toward the bed, Pidge leaned the pillow against the wall and sat down. “Wait, shit, this is okay, right?” 

“Yeah, of course. The wall is metal, no one should be victim to that when they’re trying to feel good.” 

Somehow Shiro made things sound… unsexy. It probably didn’t help that everything he said came out of Pidge’s body either, because it was pretty hard to get aroused by yourself. 

Shiro got onto the bed with him and sat on his legs. 

More silence fell between them. “Question,” Pidge offered.

“Shoot.” 

“Should we act like we’re not currently in each others’ bodies? Like, I know that’s probably kind of hard but I feel like it might work better if you don’t feel like Shiro inside of Pidge’s body, y’know? Think of yourself as me and I could think of myself as you. Ah, but that’s only if you want to, I guess.” 

Shiro considered it. “I think that actually might be for the best.” 

Pidge nodded. “Good, okay. So uh…” 

“You have to slide your pants down.” 

“Right, of course. Gotta free ol’ uh… Termin- nevermind. Just…” Pidge unbuttoned the jeans and slid them down along with his boxers. He was. Limp. 

Shiro made a face. “Okay. I’m going to uh…” He leaned down over Pidge’s crotch and took Terminator into his mouth. 

And if a dick could be in the military, boy, would Terminator be in it. He was standing to attention after a short rendezvous between himself and Shiro’s tongue, who, by the way, was licking circles around the tip. When he was hard enough, Shiro started making stripes up and down the length before taking as much of it into his mouth as he could without gagging (which wasn’t really that much because Pidge’s gag reflex was _awful_ and now Shiro was stuck with it for awhile) and bobbed up and down a bit. 

Shiro popped off and wiped his lips. 

“O-okay, I’ll get the uh- the stuff.”

Pidge’s face was red as fuck. He felt like he just sat next to an oven for thirty minutes. 

Before he had wiped the spit away from his lips, Shiro’s face had been red too, and spit-covered. And really sexy. 

_Try not to think about the fact that he just sucked his own dick, try not to think about the fact that he sucked his own di- HE SUCKED HIS OWN DICK. HE SUCKED HIS OWN DICK AND HE DID IT FOR ME. THIS IS TERRIBLE AND I REGRET THIS DECISION._

Pidge tried to tuck his dick back into his pants before he spoke up, “Sh-Shiro…” 

He was rummaging around in one of his drawers but he stopped to look at Pidge. 

“I-I’m sorry that I made you suck your own dick--” 

“Jesus-” 

“But I- I don’t think I can do this? I mean, I still kinda wanna do stuff with your dick, I hope you don’t mind, but I just… I guess this just isn’t what I wanted? Like, it’d make a wild First Time Together story but I don’t think I really want... _this_ to be our first time? I guess I’m kind of late since we sort of started already, but I want to back out now. Is that… okay?” 

Shiro shut the drawer and gave Pidge a hug. 

“Pidge, you can back out of sex at any time. It doesn’t matter if he’s only just taken off his pants or if he’s already almost inside or whatever the situation may be. You don’t have an obligation to see it through if you’re uncomfortable. That’s what consent is about.” 

His eyes were getting hot and Pidge knew that meant he was going to cry. “Thank you. I mean, I kind of already knew that but… sometimes it’s easy to forget. Like I need someone to give me permission again or something.” 

“Know your rights and never forget them, okay? It doesn’t matter where you are a week or a month or even years from now- it stays the same.” 

Pidge nodded. “If you’re okay with trying again when we’re back to normal though, I think I’d like that.” 

“Sure, we can give it a go then.” 

The tears overflowed Pidge’s eyes and fell down his cheek. Shiro wiped them away with his thumbs and gave Pidge a chaste kiss on the lips. 

“Thank you so much, Shiro. I’m sorry you sucked your own dick and that you tried to help me and I backed out.” 

Shiro hugged him tighter. “Shhh, you don’t need to apologize Pidge. You didn’t do anything wrong, okay?” 

They hugged for awhile longer, until Pidge gave the okay and Shiro knew he was feeling better. 

“Well, I guess I’m gonna find out where Lance is and give him his talking to now. You’re welcome to do your business while I’m gone, if you’d like.” 

Pidge blushed. “I actually might. Being hard is… hard?” 

Shiro giggled gave Pidge a kiss on the cheek. “Well, good luck.” 

“Thanks, and uh, you too!” 

As he was about to leave the room, he heard an unsure “Uh…” from Pidge. 

“Green bottle. I don’t really know what it is but Lance found it and it works, so…” He shrugged. He should probably be more worried but… he wasn’t really that worried. 

And with that, he closed the door and started down the hall to find Lance.


	3. Eating Disorders, However, Are Not Sexy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lance thought they were going to fight, but well... life is just full of unpleasant surprises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: projects my own problems onto keith
> 
> big thank you to my friend Kero for helping me! this chapter wouldnt have been possible w/o them bc i didn't really know how to write keith very well before they helped !!

Hunk turned around when he heard Keith behind him and asked Coran if he could have a minute. 

“Hey, uh, Keith…” 

“Yeah?” 

“I know you and Lance are kind of… Well, you guys are okay with sexual stuff, but can you… maybe _not_ do anything while you’re in my body? I guess it’s kind of different since I’m not in it but I don’t want to go back to it knowing stuff like… _that_ has happened with it, y’know?” 

Keith nodded. “Sure, I won’t do anything.”

Hunk’s lips spread out into a small, thankful smile and then he turned around and started after Coran.

That left Keith alone when Lance ran up behind him. 

Lance felt strange running after Keith, and it felt even weirder when he yelled to him, “Why did you run out?!” 

Keith spun around with an angry expression that looked foreign on Hunk’s face. “Because I was tired of standing next to you.” 

“What did I do?!” 

Keith narrowed his eyes. “What _didn’t_ you do?” 

Lance knew he was right and instead of grasping for a rebuttal, he shut his mouth and held onto his right upper arm with his left hand as a sort of submissive gesture.

Thankful for the silence, Keith started walking away. 

Lance ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, okay? Is that what you want to hear? You want me to say I’m an idiot? You want me to admit that it’s all my fault? Because sure, I’m an idiot and sure, and it’s all my fault, too. Do you want me to go bang my head against a wall or something too?” 

Keith stopped in his tracks and crossed his arms, turning around. “Why would I want you to bang your head against a wall?” 

“Uh, because I’m an annoying idiot and you’d rather I go entertain myself doing that than bother you?” Lance said it like it was obvious when it wasn’t even an accurate assessment of what Keith was thinking. Sure, he wanted to be left alone because Lance was annoying him right now and he was frustrated with him for putting them in their current predicament but that didn’t mean he wanted him to harm himself. 

Being with Lance always brought a bit of underlying irritation but he definitely wasn’t the worst person Keith had ever met, after all, he wouldn’t have agreed to their polyamorous set-up if he had been. Lance just hadn’t given Keith a reason to actually _like_ him, though. It was more like toleration with occasional fighting because of their tempers. Why were they dating again?

“Instead of hitting your head against a wall why don’t you go do something productive- like helping Hunk and Coran fix what you messed up?” 

“Not gonna lie, that probably isn’t the best idea.” 

Keith raised an eyebrow. 

“I have bad impulse control around buttons.” 

Keith was silent. 

Lance looked a little awkward at the lack of response. “Uh… but if you want to… go to the cafeteria together?” 

“No thanks, I’d rather train.” 

“Oh. Well… I’m hungry, so I guess I’ll just-” 

“Nevermind. I’ll come with you.” 

Lance was a little jarred by the sudden change of mind but decided against overthinking it. “Okay, then let’s go.” 

They walked down the hall together in silence. It wasn’t exactly comfortable silence but it wasn’t exactly uncomfortable silence either. It was more like… appropriate silence. 

Upon arrival, Keith offered to serve them. It seemed a little weird but Lance didn’t argue and sat down at the table. However, he spoke up when he noticed that Keith was only serving him a little bit of goo. 

“Hey, Keith, buddy. Ya gotta give me more goo than that. I’m so hungry I could eat a horse. Really, it’s almost like you never eat.” Lance ended the statement with a playful laugh but he saw Keith tense before he served a bit more onto the plate. It still wasn’t enough. 

“Keith.” 

“Look it’s fine, okay? Just eat what’s on the plate.” 

Lance stood up. “Keith that really isn’t enough.” 

Keith took in a deep breath but he didn’t react. 

When he found a way to cover for himself he turned around and said, “Well, we’re going to train after we eat and if you eat too much you’re going to p—” 

The look of concern on Lance’s face was obvious, and it hurt. It hurt deep. “—uke…”

“Please don’t tell me this is what I think it is.” 

Keith didn’t know what to say. He just tensed up and looked away as best as he could. Eye contact was hard enough, but it was even harder when situations were tense, especially this one. Keith felt the hair on the back on his neck stand up. Please don’t let Lance be onto him. 

Lance knew Keith was being defensive here, but he spoke again anyway. “Keith, I may be an idiot but I’m not stupid. I know the signs. I see them right here, but still, part of me wants to think I’m wrong or something. Please.” 

Lance felt like he was going to cry. The painful hunger in his stomach twisted at the strong surge of emotion and he felt sick. The starving himself, the excessive ‘training’, snapping at Lance when he urged Keith to eat more, he was being defensive and covering up for it, but Lance knew. 

He pushed his chair out and walked over to Keith who stepped back. 

“Don’t.” His tone was warning. It said the ‘touch me’ that Keith hadn’t. But Lance couldn’t accept that. He took the plate from Keith’s hands and set it on the table before he took his boyfriend into a hug. 

“I know you don’t want me to touch you but you have to understand…” 

Keith was stiff in his arms and he clenched his jaw. “What do _you_ know?” 

That felt like two simultaneous stabs to the gut and to the heart. "More than you know." Lance was crying now, and he pulled himself away from Keith just enough to look up at him and to use an arm to wipe away the huge tears in his eyes. 

“You think my body is that bony naturally? No. No, Keith. That’s what anorexia did to me. I have to take anti-arrhythmic meds because I fucked up my heart, I wear that jacket all the time cause I still get cold way too easily and- and a bunch of other shit and I… I know I have a petty sort-of rivalry with you and I know I’m annoying and an idiot but even considering all of that, I wouldn’t want this for you. You’re still my boyfriend and even though I’m a shitty boyfriend myself I like to think I’m not so shitty that I’d want you have an eating disorder, Dios no.”

At the same time that Keith wanted to pull away and run out, he also wanted to hold Lance. He was bad at handling it when other people cried but Lance was crying over _him_ and he felt a sort of… obligation, he supposed, in letting Lance hug him like this. 

Lance couldn’t register an expression on Keith’s face and he was bordering the line between crying and sobbing, so he buried his face in the chubby-firm of Keith’s shoulder and hugged him as tight as he could manage. 

Lance felt Keith relax, even though it was just a tad, and even wrap his arms around him.

“I… I can try. To get better, I mean.” Part of him doubted that he’d be able to because of himself, but another part wanted it for Lance. Somehow that didn’t feel right, though. To want it for someone else, even if they had his best interest in mind. 

Instead of saying anything more, Lance pulled Keith down just enough to kiss him on the cheeks, the forehead and his chin, leaving tears behind on Keith’s face from his crying. Keith recognized that Lance had kissed him in the general shape of a cross, sort of like the silent prayer he’d seen some of the other young adults do at the Garrison. Keith let his eyes fall closed, lost in the sensation, and Lance planted gentle kisses on each of his eyelids. 

The two of them pushed their foreheads together, eyes closed. “Are you Catholic?” Keith asked. 

Lance could feel Keith’s breath against his face, and it was weirdly comforting, given the situation. 

“I don’t really agree with a lot of it, I guess, but I think that there are times when God can help. You probably aren’t religious, though, are you?” 

“No.” He responded simply, because he wasn’t. He didn’t feel the need to elaborate on it. He reserved the right to not practice religion and as such, he didn’t have to explain himself. 

Lance chuckled a bit and said, “Figures.” 

Then there was a comfortable silence between them, standing together in the cafeteria, holding onto each other. 

“Can I kiss you?” 

Keith was confused. “You already did.” 

“No, I mean like... on the lips?” Why was that a question? 

“Oh. Sure, I guess.” 

“That’s not a very sure response.” 

Keith huffed through his nose. “Fine, yes. You can.” 

And then Lance was tilting him into a gentle kiss on the lips, arms around his neck and eyes closed. 

That was when Keith realized he had really long eyelashes. Should he cut those? Do people cut their eyelashes? He wasn’t sure. He’d never heard of it before, though. Maybe they didn’t. He’d have to ask someone. 

Lance pulled away. 

He looked hurt. 

But why? He had just kissed him? 

“Is something wrong?” He felt compelled to ask. 

Lance looked away, but he answered. “You didn’t kiss me back.” 

Oh shit, fuck, that was a thing. Keith wasn’t used to kissing people like this. He’d only really kissed like, three people in his life?? And that was Shiro, Pidge and now Lance. 

“I got… distracted.” 

Lance looked back at him, now. He looked confused. And not like just confused but kind of like a weird angry confused. A kind of confused that said, ‘Okay, what the fuck and _how_.’

“Your eyelashes.” He paused to consider his statement. “My eyelashes?” 

But then Lance was kissing him again, and Keith kissed him back this time, no longer distracted by his own eyelashes, instead caught up by Lance’s tongue. It wasn’t a desperate kiss, but it definitely meant something different than the one before had. 

Upon pulling away, Lance told him he was an idiot. “You’re a sexy, stupid, idiot and I’ve never said it before but I really do love you, okay?” And Keith nodded. 

He understood, he guessed, why there was a sudden shift in Lance that he wasn’t really mentioning. Before he’d only only really seen Keith as the distant guy from his class who was better than him but now that a topic like this had hit so close to home, he looked at Keith in a different light. He sympathized with him. He wanted to see Keith get better, not for himself, but for Keith. 

“But Keith…” 

And then apprehension reared its ugly head. 

“I need you to understand that I… I have to tell Shiro.” 

Keith stiffened again. 

“You can’t.”

“I have to.” 

“Why? He was kidnapped and they thought he was dead! We only just reunited! He has PTSD, Lance. I don’t need to give him more things to worry about!” 

Lance closed his eyes. “I know that, Keith. But he needs to know. Trust me, it’s better if he knows. Or maybe, if not Shiro, then someone else. You can choose who to tell, but someone else has to know. I can’t be the only one who knows because if you need help, it’s better if you can have multiple people you can turn to. I only got better because I had tons of family members to encourage me and help me through it, and out here, _we’re your family.”_

Now _Keith_ was going to cry. He was hard to get along with and he didn’t really even say much but this group accepted him even despite that, enough to consider him family. 

He didn’t realize he had already been crying until Lance wiped away a tear with his thumb and Keith saw the sad smile on his face. 

“It’s okay to cry, Keith.” 

And even though Keith didn’t really want to, he couldn’t stop the tears from falling. 

Lance moved his arms from around Keith’s neck and grabbed his hand, leading him out of the cafeteria. 

He wasn’t really sure where they were going because his eyes were blurred with tears and he was trying his best to wipe them all away before anyone could see but when he heard the sliding door, he knew.  
Lance lead him to his bed and he got him to lay down before he joined him on the sheets. 

“You’re really beautiful, you know?” 

Keith didn’t respond, but Lance didn’t expect him to. 

“You have really pretty eyes. They sparkle. I noticed. And they’re blue, too. Darker than mine, sort of navy, I guess, but really. I noticed them awhile back and all I could think was how angry I was about how attractive you were. It was stupid. I thought you were a ladies man or something, but then I found out you barely talk to anyone and I thought you thought that you were too good for any of us. But that’s not how it is, is it?” 

Keith shook his head, still wiping at his tears.

“And your hair is really soft. I felt it earlier when I ran my hand through it. I can tell you take good care of it. And your nose? It’s perfect, I mean, 10/10 would boop. And your cheeks are like, perfect to cupping in your hand, I need to do that when we switched back. I need to kiss you when we’re back to normal too.” 

Keith was still crying and Lance wrapped an arm around him, kissed his face some more and let his eyes fall closed. 

Eventually, Keith’s breathing evened out and Lance could tell he was asleep. 

There was a knock on the door and Lance jumped up. 

When he opened it, he was greeted by Shiro. He put a finger over his lips, signaling Shiro to be quiet. 

Lance ushered him out of the doorway and closed the door behind him. 

When Lance deemed them far enough away from the room, he spoke. “Keith is sleeping.” 

“You two are getting along?” 

Lance sighed. “A lot happened after we ran off.” 

“Tell me about it.” 

“I’ll do it over something to eat.” The hunger is his stomach was gnawing and it was hella unpleasant.

They weren’t too far from the cafeteria and when they reached their destination, Lance grabbed the plate off the table and served himself more goo.  
“You came to chew me out, yeah?” He took a bite. 

“That was my initial intention but now I’m more interested in what happened between you and Keith. Your relationship is the reason we’re in this mess to start.” 

Lance let out a light chuckle. “Yeah, it is.” So Lance told him about what happened when they ran out, how they ended up in the cafeteria, and about what lead to the moment that they had.” 

“Shiro… He has anorexia. I don’t think it’s at its worst but he was definitely edging into it and I… I can’t let him do that to himself. He didn’t want to tell you, because you’re still a mess after being kidnapped by the Galra and you obviously have PTSD but you guys were close. I really think you should know, and I’m telling you this knowing he’s probably going to be pissed at me for going behind his back.” 

Shiro was shocked, at first. Then he only listened and analyzed what Lance was telling him. 

He confirmed what Lance was thinking. “He will be, but it’ll be worth it in the end, I think. We all want him to get better, even if some of us don’t know something is wrong right now.” 

“Right… yeah.” It’ll be worth it. He knew that. At the same time he felt bad for doing this without Keith’s permission. But his mind shifted to a different thought. “Shiro… he cried himself to sleep when I told him that I love him. That _we_ love him. That we’re family. That broke my heart a little bit.” 

Shiro was quiet for awhile and he looked like he was going to speak, but then he closed his mouth again. Finally, he said, “It’s not my place to explain why. I have to let Keith open up to you about that himself. It might take awhile, but when he tells you, you’ll know what it is and what it means to him to let you know.” 

Lance was curious now, but he wasn’t allowed to ask. He knew that. 

“Okay. Well, I’m gonna eat and then I’m probably gonna go back and lay down with Keith. I don’t want him to wake up and me not be there.” 

Shiro stood up. “Alright. I’m going to go check on Hunk and Coran’s progress.” He started towards the door but then turned around. “You’re a good guy, Lance.” 

Lance responded with a sad smile. “Thanks. I try.” 

And then Shiro was gone.


	4. Touch ya dikky, Cuddle ya boi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pidge is a fucking loser and he finally gets to experiment with his temporary dick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took way too long to write. i want To Die. also, fuck editing. im ti red of readin g this ch apter and im Not Confident in it at all, so take this hellstorm and try ur best to enjoy it
> 
> later july 4th: i edited it bc i forgot half of the stupid shit i wrote and wanted to read it again but honestly, i wouldnt expect it to be any better now than before, i just fixed typos

After Shiro left, Pidge pulled down his pants and took a moment to just… look at Shiro’s dick.

He felt bad for basically telling Shiro that he didn’t want to jerk off in front of him, but well, he wasn’t really sure he and Shiro were all that good together, sexually speaking. 

Pidge just needed to remember that that was okay. He could be romantically compatible with Shiro, even if that meant he wasn’t going to go near Shiro’s dick. 

Speaking of- it was… an okay dick. Different, though, from Pidge’s usual between-the-legs treasure and different from Lance’s dick too, because Lance’s was longer and thinner, meanwhile Shiro’s was girthier.

Pidge went to touch it, but then he realized he was right-handed, but so was Shiro. Shiro’s right arm was bionic. He hesitated for a moment, that is, until he realized Shiro must have experience between his dick and his right hand, so he must know that the bionic arm can take it. 

Guess that settled it then. He wrapped his hand around it.

“... Well, okay.” That was… weird. Different from fingering yourself, that’s for sure. 

Deciding he wasn’t quite ready for that yet, Pidge grabbed for the green stuff Shiro told him to use, rubbed a dollop onto his fingers and poked the head of his dick. 

After some experimenting, Pidge came to the conclusion that the basic rule of thumb for masturbating with a dick for the first time was: it’s weird. All of it. 

Poke the head? Weird. 

Rubbin’ ya balls? Weird. 

Doing that V thing with your fingers down the length? Also weird. 

Pidge was really just running off of shitty fanfiction knowledge and whatever else he picked up from crappy yaoi manga when he was 12. And then maybe a little bit from that time he dug through his parents’ boxes when they moved that one time and found an sex education book. 

Sex was weird, but that didn’t stop his hormones from wanting it. 

Now what _did_ stop him was dysphoria. Other times his period kicked in and his hormones were were “ablaze with sexual desire”, he supposed. 

Okay, these are really unsexy thoughts. Nice. 

C’mon Pidge, think sexy thoughts. Sexy thoughts, sexy thoughts… Tiddy! 

Pidge immediately got uncomfortable. Nevermind. Girls are nice but not his thing. Mostly because they remind him of what he has… or lacks. Depends on which way you look at it.

He cycled through his thoughts for jerk material. Shitty porn? Nah. Yaoi manga? Definitely not. Can’t get off to unhealthy relationships and hands that could wreck an ass if they tried anal fist-- Pidge stopped himself mid-thought.

“I’m going to be the end of myself _and_ my boner.” And talking to himself out loud probably didn’t help.

Maybe he should start with something he figured he had some experience with. 

Shifting his position, he pressed his face against the sheets and put his ass in the air, hand lubed and ready to go. 

Sticking a finger into his asshole, wiggled it around. 

“Jesus fucking _Christ_.” This was not the same as fingering your pussy. Nope nope nope, not at all. But it… wasn’t bad. 

He wiggled his finger experimentally. Not too bad. He started a simple in and out motion with it, thrusting the one finger until it felt like it wasn’t enough, then it was time for the second one. 

While he was waiting for ass to adjust to the new sensation, he thought about Keith and Lance having hate sex, with Keith’s middle finger up Lance’s asshole and bringing a whole new meaning to “fuck you”. Pidge fucking snorted and proceeded to try scissoring. 

It stung. Like hell. And nothing like that time he admittedly tried to shove a water bottle up his vagina. He made a mental note to hop back on the experiment train with that one. Maybe he just wasn’t ready for a water bottle yet. Gotta downgrade. 

As he grew accustomed to the sting of the spread, he started probing along the wall. He knew it had to be there somewhere. After some searching, he felt his fingers brush near it and his breath hitched. 

Oh, this was gonna be _good_. 

Now that Pidge knew where his prostate was, he intentionally avoided it, continuing to thrust the two fingers in and out but taking the time to slow down and tease himself. When he felt his finger getting close, he’d drag it nearby, agonizingly slow and then pull away until he was far enough out of range that he could push his fingers back into himself. 

Eventually the sensation wasn’t as pleasing so he finally let himself have what he wanted, rubbing his prostate with his middle finger and didn’t bother to hold back the moan that worked its way out of his throat.

But that was where the dilemma started. Porn, unfortunately, gives you ideas, and Pidge was caught between two of them. 

Now that he knew what it felt like to have his prostate stimulated, part of him wanted to massage it until he came, but the other part… the other part wanted to keep denying himself what he really wanted. 

Eh, fuck it. He’d let someone else do that. There was no element of surprise when you were doing it yourself. 

He took his fingers out of his ass and grabbed for the bottle again. 

Pidge had made a mental list of all the things that were weird about this situation so far, and he added ‘the feeling of an empty asshole’ to the list. Oh- wait. ‘Grabbing a bottle when one hand is slippery and assy from, y’know, being in your ass’. There we go. 

He squirted more ‘lube’ onto his other hand and stuck it between his legs. 

As he reached for his dick, the words “Mmm yummy yummy peepee grabbins” wriggled their way into his mind and he didn’t know whether to laugh or sigh at this point. How Pidge managed to think of stupid shit like that in the middle of something like this was beyond him. 

Despite that, he took hold of his ‘manhood’ and lubed it _the fuck_ up. Gettin’ real nice and slippery and good for jerking. When it was finally good to go, Pidge let out a breathy “God bless” and gave his dong a good tug. 

Who was he kidding, God wasn’t with him right now.

And from there it was basically a cake-walk. He reached his left hand back around to his ass and then he was going at it from the front. His fingers found his prostate and held their place, rubbing without let up. His breathing grew heavy as he neared the edge and he thought of his boyfriends and with an “AH- _shit!_ ” he shot his load onto the sheets. 

Pidge rolled away from the gunk and laid in the afterglow of his climax. 

As he stared up at the ceiling, he voiced his thoughts out loud. 

“Okay, one: wow. I haven’t come that hard in _so long._ Two: these are Shiro’s sheets and I came on them.” But he didn’t want to move right now. “I gotta…” He picked himself up off the bed and stripped it of its soiled sheets, tossing them _somewhere_ for later. They didn’t exactly have a laundry chute. ….Or did they? What the fuck? And how long had he been on this ship? 

He went to wash his hands and was going to leave right after, but then then he decided maybe he should take the sheets with him instead of leaving them on the floor for Shiro, so he picked up and bundled them up so that the fact that he came on them would hopefully not be immediately obvious to anyone who saw. And then he was off. 

As he was walking to his own room, he started a to-do list in his head and added a music chime to it. “Sheets, notes and shower! Sheets, notes and shower.” As he turned the corner, he added an opera twist to it and held the notes on the words. 

When he turned, he almost bumped into Shiro but thankfully they stopped before they crashed into one another. Of course when he turned the corner he would run into the only person that would know why he was carrying a sheet under his arm. _Kill me, just kill me. End my life,_ he thought to himself.

“Oh, hey, Pidge!”

Pidge blushed. “Uh, hey yourself, Shiro.” 

Shiro was pointedly not looking at the sheet under Pidge’s arm. “Are you going to your room?” 

“Y-yeah, mhm. I gotta… y’know, like, well-” but Shiro cut him off. 

“It’s okay, I get it. Don’t worry about it.” Bless for space dad, honestly. 

Shiro was about to move on and head toward his room but Pidge stopped him. “Hey, I don’t know if this would be, well, awkward… but you can sleep in my room, if you want? I don’t mind if you don’t mind.” He gave a nervous giggle at the end and looked away, but he flicked his gaze back just in time to see Shiro smile. 

“I’d love to, Pidge.” Shiro offered up his elbow and Pidge hooked his own around it, albeit awkwardly due to the dramatic difference in height. 

As they were walking, it became increasingly obvious that Pidge’s body was very small, as well as that the silence between them was a little awkward. 

“Man, if I didn’t get dysphoric in high heels I think I’d own a pair. I’m really short.” 

Pidge felt Shiro shrug. “It’s not so bad. I’m actually kind of getting used to it. Plus under most circumstances, it’s cute. Your height suits you.” 

Pidge felt his face heat up again. He wasn’t sure what to say. 

Well, he did. But he was stuck between “Aw, shucks”, “Jinkies, Scoob” and a humble, “Oh my gosh,,” But fortunately for him, he didn’t have to say anything because Shiro saw his blush and gave him an understanding pat on the hand. 

Damn Shiro with his smooth talking and his understanding personality. Pidge wanted to make out with him, now. 

But the you-know-what under his arm reminded him that this was _so_ not the time. 

 

When they made it to his room, Pidge wasn’t sure what to do with the sheets, but there was Shiro to save the day. 

“You can soak it in the shower.” 

“Oh- thanks.” 

Pidge headed to the bathroom and Shiro yelled, “Cold water and soap!” from behind him. 

Pidge called back saying he was going to shower first and did so, washing the sweat and ‘lube’ and god knows whatever else away. As he was drying off, Pidge glanced in mirror. 

“Hm.” Not bad. Of course, he knew that, but still. 

He cupped Shiro’s peck in his hand. Spectacular bara tiddies is fuckin’ right. These are pristine, incredible, cut from marble by God him-fucking-self. What a blessing of a body to land in. Pidge thought he might cry. 

Enough of that- Pidge threw the towel over his own face and used it to dry his hair. 

After he dressed, he left the sheet to soak and joined Shiro back in the room. 

Shiro had politely sat down on the bed and he looked tired. 

Pidge stopped by his desk to scribble down details about his experience and Shiro asked him what he was doing. “Oh, y’know… stuff.” 

“Mhm.” 

“You can lay down? I’ll join you in a minute.” 

Writing as fast as he could, Pidge tried to maintain some sort of neatness before he tossed his pen down and closed his notebook. 

Turning around, Shiro was laying down, but he was looking at Pidge with tired eyes that said ‘Honey, come to bed.’ And who is Pidge to deny _that_ face? He crossed the room quicker than usual, thanks to his now long legs and joined his boyfriend on the bed. 

“Do you want to spoon?” Was the first and only thing Shiro said as soon as Pidge got comfortable. 

Oh. 

_Oh._

He was kinda lowkey freaking out, but he still found it in himself to snicker. “Who’s gonna be the big spoon?” 

Shiro turned to face him, close enough that kissing wouldn’t be a difficult task. “I was thinking you could give it a try.” But the way he said it wasn’t just “Oh yeah Pidge, you can go ahead and be the big spoon since you have the bigger body”. No, it was more like “Pull me close, hug me tight, whisper in my ear and tell me I’m yours” and Pidge did not need a boner right now. He already dealt with one not too long ago and this was not the ideal situation. Nope nope nope. 

“Uh, sure, yeah. Okay.” 

_Nice. Offset all this weird husky, sexy shit with awkward. Fool proof plan, Pidge._ He rewarded himself a partial congratulations as Shiro turned over. 

He wrapped his arm around Shiro and pulled him close, hand resting comfortably right near his tiddy. 

Okay, the checklist. 

Dick hard in the butt? Check. Tiddy in the hand? Check. Kiss ya neck. 

Pidge planted a kiss on Shiro’s neck and made a light trail of them leading to his forehead. The last kiss he let linger before he snuggled up to the smaller man. 

Kiss ya neck? _Check._

“You make a good big spoon.” His voice practically yelled ‘sleepy’, and it would have been almost inaudible if it weren’t for their current proximity to one another. 

Pidge let out a light chuckle. “Thanks.” 

“Goodnight, Pidge.” 

“G’night, Shiro.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we made it bois,, we gettin to the end,, 1 more ch apter


	5. Switching Back is what the kids like to call "gnarly, bro"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which these losers get back to being themselves & pidge and hunk are disgusting adorable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont wanna edit it. it took me like, 4 days?? maybe??? probably??? (ive lost all concept of time at this point) and i am tired. 
> 
> left chapter w/ none edit, ala mode. also, i dont remember if coran still calls them by number so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> ADDITIONAL NOTE: PLEASE DONT LOOK UP MURKSCREAMER BC I MADE THAT SHIT UP BUT THERE ALSO HAPPENED TO BE A SMALL VIDEO GAME ABOUT THEM BUT MY MURKSCREAMERS ARE BETTER, OKAY??? IM GON NA FU CK A MURKSCREAMER

Hunk was sitting on the floor in a small area he cleaned so he wouldn’t get Lance’s pants dirty, since he was the one in charge of his boyfriend’s body now. “I can’t believe it was that easy.” 

“Yes! The technology was surprisingly simple for what was once thought to be the most complex secret in the galaxy!” That was Coran, who, at the moment, was joining Hunk on the floor. “Are you sure you don’t want to tell your fellow paladins that they’re welcome to change back now?” 

He waved the advisor off. “Nah, they’re probably having fun. Might as well let them.” Pidge has a dick now, Shiro was… well, he’d manage. Lance was probably torturing Keith but they’d get over it. 

Okay, maybe that wasn’t exactly fun for everyone, but it was enough to sacrifice if it meant Pidge was having a good time right now. 

After he said that, the two sat in silence for awhile. That is, until Coran felt the need to speak again. 

“Speaking of your fellow paladins, I’ve noticed something.” 

Hunk was anxious. If Coran noticed something, it was probably important and definitely not something Hunk wanted to hear right now. But he had to be polite. Coran wanted what was best for everyone, and Hunk needed to remember that. 

“Oh?” 

“Yes. You and Pidge… Are you two… okay with one another?” 

_Oh boy. Yep, definitely not something I wanted to hear. I don’t want to answer this._

“Uh… yeah, we’re fine. Why?” 

“You two seem to have a sort of tension between you. Maybe more you toward Pidge than with Pidge towards yourself. Care to talk about it?” 

Hunk let out a mental ‘Hhhhhhhhhhhhhh’ and thought about what to say. 

“I mean… it’s anxiety? I’m not really sure you know what that means to a human, but I’m not exactly… normal? I guess? Anxiety interferes with my daily life and my ability to be social, so…” Coran nodded as if he was understanding. “So, it’d make sense that it seemed like I was the source of the tension. Don’t get me wrong though- Pidge has anxiety too. He’s just more… talkative. He’s someone who fills awkward silences with humorous or even more awkward dialogue. I’m just. Quiet. I mean, I talk, because like, wow, that’s a thing I have to do sometimes, and it helps a lot when I can make the others laugh or when my anxiety is a handy voice of reason but… But it’s not about that. It is at the same time that it isn’t. It’s something bigger than that, but…I still have trouble with being avoidant. I keep my distance until the problem is gone...” 

When Hunk fell silent, Coran didn’t immediately jump to talk. Instead, they sat in the quiet, and Hunk could hear the sound of the trees outside being rustled by the wind. That was nice to hear right now. 

“Perhaps that’s something you should bring up to him, no?” 

“Ah… well, I should, but…” 

“But you’re ‘anxious’. Yes. Well, I say there’s probably more to be anxious about if you don’t clear the air than there should be in just bringing it up. I’m sure Pidge will be understanding. It’s not like he’s going to threaten to cut your legs off and feed them to a Murkscreamer or something. And thank goodness for that! Murkscreamers are nothing to trifle at!” 

Hunk hesitated. “Should- should I ask what a Murkscreamer is? I feel like I shouldn’t.” 

But Coran was more than happy to fill him in anyway. “Of course you should know! Murkscreamers are huge, hideous monsters that hide themselves in a thick shadow that smells like death. They live in random pockets around space and eat ship that pass by as they please. They’re sedentary, though, so a common practice in many culture is to feed criminals and such people to the Murkscreamers and hyperjump away as quick as they can. Only one person ever survived a Murkscreamer execution and that was because his crew anticipated it and caught him before he could die of asphyxiation or get devoured! But the ‘screamer’ part of their name comes in right there! No one had ever heard it before, but after being denied food, the Murkscreamer let out a hideous, deafening cry and the whole crew lost their hearing! That’s how they got their name, after all! Before that they were just called ‘Space Eaters’. Not the best name for such a legendary creature!” 

Mhm, yeah. Good thing Pidge wasn’t going to feed him to one of those things. Leave it to Coran to give him an idea for a worst case scenario. Literally, that was a big help. 

Hunk laughed. “I guess you have a point. He wouldn’t know where to find one anyway, right?” 

“Oh, definitely not. There are a number of governments hiding the locations and the only way to obtain that information is through illegal means. Or through a descendant of one of the people who knew where they were before those governments put a reign on it. Hm… It wouldn’t be too hard to find out. Surely it’d be easier to find someone like that than to go searching all of space for a giant monster that will probably kill you before you even realize you found it.” 

Not helping, not helping!! “Haha, right…” 

“But don’t worry! I have faith that Pidge would never go to such lengths for a small tension between you two!” 

Ah, right. 

“I guess I’ll do that, then. Would it be okay to switch back tomorrow?” 

“Perfectly so!” 

Hunk smiled and picked himself up. 

He needed some time to himself to figure out how, where and when would be a good way to bring up his… problem… to Pidge. 

The paladin and his advisor made their way back to their ship in Hunk’s lion and the two of them split ways, Coran no doubt going to check up on Allura. 

So now Hunk had a good chunk of time to think and sleep tonight. This was a nice feeling. 

He walked to his room and went to lay down on the bed. 

_Start out placating, for sure. Establish you’re not trying to be an asshole. You’re just confused and anxious…_

He detailed the rest of his plan until he felt his eyelids getting droopy and then he allowed himself to drift off to sleep. 

 

Upon morning, Hunk was ready for action. 

He went to the kitchen to grab something to eat and found his boyfriends gathered around the table, chatting it up and having a good time. Coran and Allura were talking to one another, not really in on the conversation because it was mostly Pidge and Lance arguing about what the better meme was: he smely or the sonic ‘in a jiffy’. 

“All I’m saying is, he smely is like, indie and beautiful. It’s one of those memes that you’d consider organically grown. Sonic is a cash-cow at this point, and people are just milking him for all he’s worth, like until they get blocked on twitter for their shitty sub-par sonic edits. He smely was original and perfect. An otter, a bar of soap. It’s wholesome, it’s pure. It’s the epitome of what a meme should be.” Pidge shot Lance a look when he finished and went to take a bite of his food. 

Lance threw his spoon down. “Sonic is _not_ a cash-cow! Sonic is a classic! And it even has _dynamic_! The sonic rant kid and the title edits with shit like ‘Giant furry cock blast’. Sonic just happens to be well-known, thank you very much. That’s the only reason he comes across as a mass-production cash-cow. Unfortunately for you, no normal person is going to get your obscure tumblr memes so of course it would be an ‘organic’ meme to you. To be frank, I’m disgusted by your close-mindedness towards memes.” 

Pidge got close to him and said, _“How can you be Frank when you’re Lance?”_ just to piss Lance off, apparently. 

Hunk laughed a bit and got himself some food so he could sit and join them. 

Lance gasped in response. _“I totally set that up for you!_ The _one_ time I try to say something other than ‘honestly’ and you pull that shit! Never again! Forget it!” 

Pidge laughed and slapped him on the back as a playful gesture, but instead send, Lance’s face launching into his food. 

Now Keith was mad. “Really?! With my face? Can you two stop being idiots already?” 

Pidge held up his hands in a placating gesture. “Sorry, Keith. I still don’t know my own strength.” 

Lance just kept his face in his food. 

“Lance?” Hunk asked, patting him on the back. “Oh my god, Pidge, did you knock him out?!” What if he broke his nose and _died?!_

Pidge gave a worried shrug and shifted his attention to Lance. “Uh, Lance?” He went to touch him but Lance jumped up and slammed his plate into Pidge’s face. 

“HA! SUCK IT!” 

The plate slid off of Pidge’s face and into his lap. 

There was food on his face, but Pidge’s expression were clear. Anger, confusion, frustration, hesitance, and then, finally, a half-lidded smug gaze. 

When he spoke, his voice was husky. “Oh, Lance. If you wanted to see Shiro _dirty_ you could have just asked him. Ah, but it wouldn’t have been as fun for you, would it? If you couldn’t make him dirty yourself. Mmm, the thrill of dissent as you throw food in his face? Nothing gets you harder, does it?” He turned to the man in question. “You’d let him, though, right Shiro?” 

“Oh, of course.” He said it like it was the most normal thing in the world to be consenting to. 

Lance was mad red and he looked a mixture of confused, frustrated and embarrassed. He looked like he wanted to say something, but in the end, he closed his mouth and stood up, walking for the door. 

“Oh Laaaance~ Where are you going?” Pidge sing-songed after him. 

“TO DIE.” 

“Oh my.” Pidge grabbed a napkin and started wiping his face off. 

Keith sighed and got up. 

“Where are _you_ going, Keith?” Hunk asked. 

“To make sure he doesn’t touch my dick without permission.” 

_Oh._ Right. 

So then it was just Pidge, Shiro and Hunk. And well, Coran and Allura too but they weren’t really _there_ , in a way. 

“Do you think Coran and Allura heard?” Pidge asked Shiro. 

“Mmm, they might have. Why? Exhibitionalism, perhaps?” 

Pidge smiled that crooked, oddly suggestive smile of his and said, “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t considering it.” After their moment, Pidge turned to Hunk. “But good morning, Hunk! Did you sleep well?” 

Hunk smiled wide. “Yeah! I mean, pretty much. But actually I need to kind of, like, well… talk to you??” 

“Oh!” Pidge seemed surprised. “Okay! Well, we can talk later, after we eat, then.” 

Hunk had a thought. “Actually, after we eat we should probably change back? Me and Coran figured out how to get it working awhile after Shiro came to check up on us.” 

Shiro looked up. “Nice job, Hunk!” 

Hunk blushed. “Ah, thanks. But it was mostly Coran. He knew more about what was going on there than I did.” 

“Maybe, but you helped! And that’s important!” 

That’s part of why Hunk _loved_ Pidge. He was smart, caring, funny and so, so cute. But that only him that much more anxious. 

Hunk blushed a bit harder and turned to the other end of the table. “Hey, Coran! Can we change back now?” 

Coran’s attention was easy enough to get and the man stood up. “Yes! Some of you are missing, though. It won’t work unless you’re all there to switch bodies, you know!” 

Pidge stood up. “I’ll go get them. I’m Pidge _and_ I look like Shiro. That’s practically double authority over those losers.” 

“Alright! It’s settled then! You two can come with me to the ship now!” 

The princess and her advisor led the black and yellow paladins out of the cafeteria, and Pidge was right behind them, up until it was time to figure out where Keith and Lance had run off to. 

And, well, it wasn’t a very hard search. 

Pidge turned two corners and found them making out against the wall, Lance pinned by Keith’s large hands. It was almost what Pidge would expect, coming from them. It was aggressive and desperate looking but it had an edge of sweet to it that made Pidge’s heart beat faster. 

They were so cute. He didn’t know what between them caused that sweet edge, but it was fitting and he appreciated it. 

“Hey, lovebirds.” Pidge flashed them a shit-eating little grin as they scrambled to pull apart. “Nice to see the two of you getting along! Tongues down each others throats, Lance’s bottom ass pinned to a wall, this is some really good shit! But switching back might be even better.” 

At ‘switching back’ Keith perked up at hyper-speed. “Switching back?” 

“Yep! Everyone’s on their way there, but I had to find you guys. They need all of us.” 

The boys quickly joined him and Pidge’s trio was off, making their way to join the other. 

 

Standing in front of the switch button, Coran held up a finger. “Now, I’d like to remind you all that there’s a chance this won’t work the first time.” 

Everyone groaned.

“But I guess we’ll just have to see!” And just like that, Coran pushed the button and everyone blacked out. 

When everyone came to, they discovered that no. Things were not back to normal. Now Keith was in Pidge’s body, Shiro in Lance’s, Hunk in Shiro’s, and Pidge in Hunk. 

“Everyone ready for the second try?” Coran asked, finger dangerously close to the button. 

“Just push it.” 

And then it was black again. 

 

“Call me crazy but I think you’re beginning to wake up faster each time!” 

It was go number four and they still weren’t back in their normal bodies. In fact, they found that sometimes almost the same switch could occur and they’d have to go again. 

“This is ass. I’m sick of this. I’ll just stay in Keith’s body forever.” 

“No you won’t, Lance.” Keith’s tone was stern. 

Lance made an exaggerated noise and turned his head towards Keith. “What’re _you_ complaining about? You get to be in Shiro’s body.” 

Keith crossed his arms. “Look, I just want to be back in my _own_ body, okay? That’s not unnatural.” 

“Uh, it kind of is, if you think about it.” Lance crossed his legs. “I mean, you shouldn’t even be out of your body in the first place.” He looked toward the body switching ray and grumbled something about “stupid space” and “stupid aliens” with their “stupid alien technology that’s stupid and alien”.

Pidge glowered and pushed the button himself. 

 

Attempt number seven. Still no luck. 

“Oh.” That was the first thing Pidge heard when he woke up. 

“What is it?”  
“I think I might have been pushing the wrong button the whole time.” He rubbed the back of his head. 

He had to be joking. He had to be. Seven zaps in attempt to change back and he was pushing the wrong button the entire time? Hell no. 

“Coran…” 

“Yes?” 

_“How?”_

He looked nervous, probably because of Pidge’s dark tone. 

“I might have… been thinking a lot and forgot which button it was until now.” 

Pidge was going to cry. 

“Please just push it. Free me from this hell.”

Unfortunately, he couldn’t push it right away because the other still needed to come to, but when they did, Coran hit the reset button and after one last blackout, they were back to normal. 

Pidge really wanted to cry now. “I never thought I’d be so glad to be short and have tits again!” 

Lance picked himself up and gave his stomach a pat. “Nice.” 

Doing so caught Pidge’s attention and the boy yelled across the room, “LANCE CARRY ME, I’M GAY.” 

“What?!” But Pidge had already started running at him and Lance did his best to catch his boyfriend when he jumped into his arms, but it wasn’t the most graceful action, that much was for sure. 

Once in his arms, Pidge snuggled his face into Lance’s neck and closed his eyes. 

He was tempted to whisper a meme in his direction but decided against it. Pidge would probably smack him and he looked so cute right now, all snuggled up- why ruin it???

“Pidge, are we still going to talk?” That was Hunk. He needed to make sure because it was important and he was anxious about Pidge forgetting.

Opening his eyes, the boy nodded. “Mhm! I figure it’s private, though, so I was waiting until we went back to the castle and Lance is going to carry me until we get there.” 

“Why me?!” Lance complained.

Pidge gave him a smug grin. “Because you need to work out your noodle arms and your memes are shit.” 

“I said ‘You mad bro?’ _one time!_ And it was _ironic!_ ” 

“Oh, no, I’m sure it was. But you said it when I was making out with you and that warrants you having to carry me to make up for it.” 

Lance grumbled. Right, because Pidge _never_ said anything stupid when they were gettin’ down, right? Definitely didn’t whisper ‘Pepe the frog’ right into his ear with hot breath right as Lance was about to kiss him. Nope, of course not. That’s not Pidge _at all_. //Sarcasm 

“Actually, y’know, if you need to talk to Pidge, you could carry him, Hunk?” 

“Uh… he wants _you_ to carry him, bro.” 

Lance let out an exasperated noise and his boyfriends exchanged a mischievous fist-bump. 

Oddly enough, instead of just putting Pidge down and running off before he could be tackled into it, Lance just accepted it and carried Pidge back to the ship.

As Lance went to set Pidge down, he gave his boyfriend a kiss on the cheek and said, “Your payment, my good sir.” 

It didn’t exactly look like Lance was happy with his payment but he knew Pidge only teasing him and that they had more pressing matters at hand, considering Pidge and Hunk needed to talk. 

“Wanna hold hands?” Pidge held one out for Hunk to grab if he decided he did. 

“Sure.” Hunk smiled gently and held Pidge’s tiny hand in his own. 

“So, where do you want to talk at?” 

Ah, he hadn’t thought of that. “I guess the lounge is fine?” 

Pidge made a content confirmation sound in his mouth and took a step forward. They made their way to the lounge as Pidge swung their arms a little between them, grip tight and very reassuring to Hunk, who could feel like anxiety building up the closer they got to their destination.  
They walked through the threshold and Hunk thought he would be sick when they sat down. 

“Whoa, are you okay?” Pidge squeezed his hand. 

“Uh- yeah. Kind of. I mean, probably.” 

That didn’t really abate Pidge’s worry, so Hunk just decided to speak. 

“Okay, so uh- uh… uhm...” Oh God. Oh no. He forgot everything he was going to say. He practiced this for hours and he forgot! 

“Hunk,” His voice was gentle and displayed his patience. “It’s okay. Take your time.” 

“R-right. Well, Coran was talking to me? Back when we were trying to figure out how the body-swap machine worked… and he said that there’s… _tension_ between us? And he’s right, I don’t know if you noticed?” 

Pidge blinked. “Ah, I really didn’t. I thought things were dandy. Is something wrong?” 

Hunk swallowed. “Yeah..? ‘Cause I don’t… want to hurt your feelings…” God this felt like it wasn’t going great. “Because I haven’t, well,” Hunk squeezed his eyes shut so he didn’t have to see Pidge’s reaction, “met a trans person before? I don’t know what’s okay and what isn’t and it terrifies me.” 

With his eyes closed as tight as they could go, he couldn’t see Pidge, but he could hear him. And all he heard in response was, “It’s really nice of you to be concerned about that. I mean, worrying isn’t fun but I’m glad you brought it up instead of sitting in that. But when it comes to trans stuff, don’t worry.” Hunk let his eyes open. “I’m the only trans person on this ship, that I know of, at the moment and I’m pretty chill about questions? Like, I’d rather you ask me and get it out there. So I mean, go ahead and ask me whatever you need to, okay?” Pidge smiled, doing his best to be reassuring. 

Hunk nodded. Okay. He could do this. C’mon, Hunk, first question. 

“Is there a wrong thing to do when we’re kissing?” 

Pidge considered the question for a moment. “Not really? As long as you’re not going for my nasty bits when that’s not the direction we’re going for at the moment. But I don’t think I have to worry about that with you.” Pidge was aware of Hunk’s asexuality. Nice. Score 1 for them. 

“Would it be bad to touch your chest?” 

“That one’s easy. If I’m wearing my binder, then no. Touching my chest is fine and I actually kinda like that. If I’m not wearing my binder, then it depends. Usually you can tell if it I don’t want it because I’ll avoid pressing my chest close to you. There’s rarely times I do want them touched, in all honestly? But I usually try not to wear it when I’m having sex or making out with someone because I breathe really heavy and it’s absolute ass. If I want them touched them I’m not shy about putting your hands there myself, though.” Pidge fucking winked at him. 

Hunk was gay. 

That was it. 

He was gay before but hello double gay, triple gay, even. Gay as fuck. So fucking gay. 

“Anything else?” Pidge asked, and Hunk was aware he had been staring, slack jawed. He chomped it closed and scrambled for a thought. 

“Uh… do you like… do butt stuff when you… you know…” 

Pidge shook his head. “Nah, I’m comfortable fronting and honestly I’m a little hesitant to give the back door a knock, if you know what I mean. On the other hand- if you grab my ass? 100%, please do that. Touch my butt, my guy.” 

Aaaahhh Pidge is great, Hunk decided. “Okay!! And one more question!” 

“Shoot.” 

“Can I kiss you?” 

Pidge looked offended. “Uhm, only _of course _! Kiss me, you big beefy burrito.”__

__Hunk laughed and pulled Pidge closer to him, planting a small kiss on his lips and sprinkling a few more across his face before touching down on the landing pad (aka Pidge’s lips)._ _

__Pidge nuzzled his neck after the last kiss. “Are you feeling better?” It was a whisper, gentle and caring._ _

__“Yeah, a lot better, thanks. I was afraid to touch you a lot of the time because I didn’t know what was right or wrong… But now I know your butt is at the top of the list of things to touch. Maybe your hair too, it’s really fluffy and soft. What do you use?”_ _

__“L'Oréal, because I’m worth it.”_ _

__Hunk gasped. “You fucking--”  
Pidge snort laughed threw his head against Hunk’s chest. _ _

__“I did! You totally walked right into it!”_ _

__“Why are you like this?!”_ _

__“I don’t know? Maybe I was born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline?”_ _

__“STOP.”_ _

__Pidge shot him a mischievous smile. He was literally >:3c as he said “Make me.” _ _

__So Hunk shut him up with another kiss on the lips, this one was longer and not quite as meaningful but still passionate._ _

__Hunk felt as Pidge’s hands started at his chest, and his boyfriend whispered, “Is this okay?” to which Hunk nodded. And then he felt his face flush as Pidge’s hands traced down his sides, making him shiver a little before stopping on his hips._ _

__“Whoa.”_ _

__Hunk raised an eyebrow._ _

__“You have. Really big hips.”_ _

__“Thanks, I guess?”_ _

__When Pidge looked up, he practically had stars in his eyes. “I love them.”_ _

__Hunk blushed. “Ah, thanks. You have nice hips too. I think…”_ _

__Pidge laughed again at his ending thought and bonked their foreheads together. “Hunk, you’re great.”_ _

__“So’re you, though.”_ _

__“Mmmmmm, I guess,” Pidge grew out the ‘guess’ dramatically, “but thanks. You’re a sweetheart. And a sweetheart that knows how to cook. I’m dying here, Hunk. Please, bless my body with your good ship cooking.”_ _

__Hunk brightened. “You got it!”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck me up this is the end!!! but more bullshit is coming bc im overflowing with ideas and most of them are pidge/lance cause im p sure ive sold my goddamn soul to that ship but expect more working through klance, some lunk....hance?? shit idk, and also pidge/keith bc i want things to b Hot and Spicie


End file.
